You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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