my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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