Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
