I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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