Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
