i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
