Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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