I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
