my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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