she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
