haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I faked an abortion last night.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
