Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
