I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
