i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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