Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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