I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
