Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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