you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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