So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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