the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
