Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
