I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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