At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
