Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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