My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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