You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
