but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
