if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
