Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
