i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
