dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
