god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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