We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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