What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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