he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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