Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize