I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
