some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
