ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
40s are totally the cure
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
