My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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