if you like me you must not know who I am
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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