Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
