Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
