i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She's the barista slut.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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