we have pet lesbian snakes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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