im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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