whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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