Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
