She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
