im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
