i may or may not be watching the land before time
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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