New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
