3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
