I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
