can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
