Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
