can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't want my vagina anymore.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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