she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
