apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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