Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
