I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
