I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I pour the whiskey from now on
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
